Feeling Blue, Feeling Confined

I received a text from my sister this morning, saying that she was stressed out with her MIL who seems to be mad all the time, throwing sarcastic remarks, etc for no reason. 

I told my sister to be strong as she was 5 months pregnant and she needed to take care of herself and the baby.

I'm worried for her, as she will be going through confinement under her MIL's care (who was persistent to take care of my sister post-delivery).

NO ONE tells you that you may suffer from baby blues or post-partum depression after giving birth. 

So when my sister told me about her situation with the MIL, I couldn't stop but worry about her.

When you're pregnant, you'll feel like a Queen as you receive super special treatment from family, friends and even strangers on the street.

Then, you see all these adverts and images both online and print where the mother looks lovingly at her sweet little baby whom she's cuddling in her arms, still manages to look like she had sufficient sleep, had her hair combed nicely with a hint of make-up.

I initially thought that having a baby would be all sweet and rosy.

After all, you HAVE waited 9 whole months for the little bundle of joy to arrive, right? 

Boy, was I wrong.

I felt inadequate and failed as a mother when I couldn't even breastfeed my baby within the first week itself (insufficient milk supply) and the worst part, she suffered from jaundice. 

She had to be placed under the UV light on the second day we were in the hospital and this actually made her dehydrated. 

I couldn't provide sufficient milk for her and constantly cried when I saw her crying and struggling under the UV light. 

I did not want to provide her with formula since people say that breastfeeding was THE BEST option. 

I barely had any sleep nor rest as I had to walk from my room to the nursery just to feed her, every hour.

I cried on the way to the nursery, cried when I attempted to feed her, cried when they put her back under the UV light and continued to cry when I got back to my room.

Since we wanted her to get well, hubby advised that it would perhaps help both our baby and me if we provided her with formula.

I obliged, reluctantly, as I couldn't even provide the most basic thing for her ... to FEED my own baby ... and I felt as if I failed to fulfill my role as a mother.

Most of the days, I would cry for no reason and get emotional.

Life has changed.

You have another human being who is fully dependent on you. 

You keep thinking:

* am I caring for her enough

* am I doing the right thing for her

* will I be a good mother?

Ironic that all these questions didn't come up during pregnancy as you feel that you are fully prepared.

But NOTHING prepares you for the experience and emotional rush post-baby delivery.

They didn't tell you:

The pain you'll experience when you need to pee, especially the FIRST TIME after delivery (I was scared too pee after seeing all the blood and wasn't sure how to clean myself, concerned with the stitches) 

I cry in the bathroom, contemplating whether to go or not to go ...

The difficulty of passing motion (I had to ask my doctor to prescribe me medication to soften my stool). The pain will be there for a couple of weeks (it's my 6th week now and I'm still feeling the pain to pass motion) 

I cry in the bathroom and dwell on whether I should avoid eating solids and rely on liquid so that it would ease me in passing motion ...

The practice you need to enable baby to latch on while breastfeeding (nope, babies won't naturally know how to breastfeed when they come out ... Which was what I thought initially)

That you'll suffer from sore and crack nipples (feels like a knife slicing your nipple each time baby sucks on it ... Painful!!!) if baby doesn't latch on properly. 

It was so painful and there was once where it bled and my baby swallowed my milk with the blood. 

I didn't realize it until I saw the milk (tinged with blood) dripping from her mouth and staining her clothes (panic mode kicked in). 

Thankfully, the doctor said it was ok and this will not harm the baby. 

I cried as it was painful ... like a gazillion times painful!

That your body may produce more milk than you could ever imagine and you'll feel discomfort when your breasts are full (engorged). 

I had a tough time managing the feeding sessions (milk would be spraying onto baby's face and sometimes soak both our clothes. At the same time, I was also trying to soothe the discomfort of full breasts.

The worst period was during my 44-day confinement as my movements were restricted and I had to watch what I eat ... even my fluid intake were restricted too! (only half a glass of water was allowed at each meal). 

This resulted in me struggling with passing motion and I was constantly feeling thirsty since I was also breastfeeding.

I also felt guilty that everyone did things for me ... prepare my meals and bring them up to my room, settle both my laundry and the baby's, make my bed, clean my room, family members would look after baby during the day and all I needed to do was feed her etc.

Hubby told me to look at the bright side, that I was treated like a Queen. 

I also underwent a 10-day traditional massage (no, it was NOT relaxing at all as my tummy was massaged with the purpose of "fixing" my womb and it hurts like MAD!) and was required to drink all sorts of . 

Each time my milk-producing-twins were massaged, it feels much MORE painful and milk will start flowing too ... embarrassing for me but the confinement lady advised me that it would help ease the pain of engorgement and ensure consistent milk supply.  

Despite the presence and support from hubby, family and even friends, I felt ALONE.

I guess the other thing was that I had family members in my room round the clock and I didn't have any personal time with hubby, we barely had time alone together just to talk (we were adjusting life with baby in tow as how our baby was adjusting to life in this world).

The only time we were left alone was at night when everyone had gone to bed and by then, hubby was already exhausted and had fallen asleep whilst I was tending to the baby from time to time.

When I was pregnant, my friends would share their pregnancy and baby delivery experience but no one shared with me the physical and emotional changes they'd had to go through.

I read about baby blues online and they say it's a normal phase, that it would pass. 

True enough, it did. 

My emotional moment was due to the fact that it was an extremely overwhelming experience for me and I had no one to talk to, even my mother didn't experience baby blues (according to her). 

It's true that some mothers may or may not suffer from this.

I hope by me sharing my side of the story would help other mothers-to-be, especially first time moms, to prepare them for what to expect after baby arrives ... as I wasn't prepared for it ...