Feeling Blue, Feeling Confined

I received a text from my sister this morning, saying that she was stressed out with her MIL who seems to be mad all the time, throwing sarcastic remarks, etc for no reason. 

I told my sister to be strong as she was 5 months pregnant and she needed to take care of herself and the baby.

I'm worried for her, as she will be going through confinement under her MIL's care (who was persistent to take care of my sister post-delivery).

NO ONE tells you that you may suffer from baby blues or post-partum depression after giving birth. 

So when my sister told me about her situation with the MIL, I couldn't stop but worry about her.

When you're pregnant, you'll feel like a Queen as you receive super special treatment from family, friends and even strangers on the street.

Then, you see all these adverts and images both online and print where the mother looks lovingly at her sweet little baby whom she's cuddling in her arms, still manages to look like she had sufficient sleep, had her hair combed nicely with a hint of make-up.

I initially thought that having a baby would be all sweet and rosy.

After all, you HAVE waited 9 whole months for the little bundle of joy to arrive, right? 

Boy, was I wrong.

I felt inadequate and failed as a mother when I couldn't even breastfeed my baby within the first week itself (insufficient milk supply) and the worst part, she suffered from jaundice. 

She had to be placed under the UV light on the second day we were in the hospital and this actually made her dehydrated. 

I couldn't provide sufficient milk for her and constantly cried when I saw her crying and struggling under the UV light. 

I did not want to provide her with formula since people say that breastfeeding was THE BEST option. 

I barely had any sleep nor rest as I had to walk from my room to the nursery just to feed her, every hour.

I cried on the way to the nursery, cried when I attempted to feed her, cried when they put her back under the UV light and continued to cry when I got back to my room.

Since we wanted her to get well, hubby advised that it would perhaps help both our baby and me if we provided her with formula.

I obliged, reluctantly, as I couldn't even provide the most basic thing for her ... to FEED my own baby ... and I felt as if I failed to fulfill my role as a mother.

Most of the days, I would cry for no reason and get emotional.

Life has changed.

You have another human being who is fully dependent on you. 

You keep thinking:

* am I caring for her enough

* am I doing the right thing for her

* will I be a good mother?

Ironic that all these questions didn't come up during pregnancy as you feel that you are fully prepared.

But NOTHING prepares you for the experience and emotional rush post-baby delivery.

They didn't tell you:

The pain you'll experience when you need to pee, especially the FIRST TIME after delivery (I was scared too pee after seeing all the blood and wasn't sure how to clean myself, concerned with the stitches) 

I cry in the bathroom, contemplating whether to go or not to go ...

The difficulty of passing motion (I had to ask my doctor to prescribe me medication to soften my stool). The pain will be there for a couple of weeks (it's my 6th week now and I'm still feeling the pain to pass motion) 

I cry in the bathroom and dwell on whether I should avoid eating solids and rely on liquid so that it would ease me in passing motion ...

The practice you need to enable baby to latch on while breastfeeding (nope, babies won't naturally know how to breastfeed when they come out ... Which was what I thought initially)

That you'll suffer from sore and crack nipples (feels like a knife slicing your nipple each time baby sucks on it ... Painful!!!) if baby doesn't latch on properly. 

It was so painful and there was once where it bled and my baby swallowed my milk with the blood. 

I didn't realize it until I saw the milk (tinged with blood) dripping from her mouth and staining her clothes (panic mode kicked in). 

Thankfully, the doctor said it was ok and this will not harm the baby. 

I cried as it was painful ... like a gazillion times painful!

That your body may produce more milk than you could ever imagine and you'll feel discomfort when your breasts are full (engorged). 

I had a tough time managing the feeding sessions (milk would be spraying onto baby's face and sometimes soak both our clothes. At the same time, I was also trying to soothe the discomfort of full breasts.

The worst period was during my 44-day confinement as my movements were restricted and I had to watch what I eat ... even my fluid intake were restricted too! (only half a glass of water was allowed at each meal). 

This resulted in me struggling with passing motion and I was constantly feeling thirsty since I was also breastfeeding.

I also felt guilty that everyone did things for me ... prepare my meals and bring them up to my room, settle both my laundry and the baby's, make my bed, clean my room, family members would look after baby during the day and all I needed to do was feed her etc.

Hubby told me to look at the bright side, that I was treated like a Queen. 

I also underwent a 10-day traditional massage (no, it was NOT relaxing at all as my tummy was massaged with the purpose of "fixing" my womb and it hurts like MAD!) and was required to drink all sorts of . 

Each time my milk-producing-twins were massaged, it feels much MORE painful and milk will start flowing too ... embarrassing for me but the confinement lady advised me that it would help ease the pain of engorgement and ensure consistent milk supply.  

Despite the presence and support from hubby, family and even friends, I felt ALONE.

I guess the other thing was that I had family members in my room round the clock and I didn't have any personal time with hubby, we barely had time alone together just to talk (we were adjusting life with baby in tow as how our baby was adjusting to life in this world).

The only time we were left alone was at night when everyone had gone to bed and by then, hubby was already exhausted and had fallen asleep whilst I was tending to the baby from time to time.

When I was pregnant, my friends would share their pregnancy and baby delivery experience but no one shared with me the physical and emotional changes they'd had to go through.

I read about baby blues online and they say it's a normal phase, that it would pass. 

True enough, it did. 

My emotional moment was due to the fact that it was an extremely overwhelming experience for me and I had no one to talk to, even my mother didn't experience baby blues (according to her). 

It's true that some mothers may or may not suffer from this.

I hope by me sharing my side of the story would help other mothers-to-be, especially first time moms, to prepare them for what to expect after baby arrives ... as I wasn't prepared for it ...

2 June 2011 - Baby Delivery!

It's been more than a month and I haven't had the time to update my blog on my baby's delivery. 

I have been busy adjusting to her sleeping / feeding / pooping patterns.

Now that she's sleeping, I'm rushing to update this entry before she wakes up! 

I suddenly realized that I've been scratching my head to decide on what to write ... how to write it ... and how to START!

Here goes, let's start with the most basic information.

Our little princess arrived on 2nd June 2011 at 7:49am. 

It was a smooth delivery (termed SVD - Spontaneous Vaginal Delivery).

When I was in labor, my dad was nervously waiting in the hospital room (as he wasn't allowed in the labour room) and hubby was a nervous wreck witnessing the labour and delivery process (I love you so much dear! Thanks for giving me the support!) 

Ok Ok enough of the mushy stuff ... (",)

SIGNS OF LABOR / NEARING DELIVERY

Two weeks prior to the delivery, I experienced the symptoms below, in no particular order:

Nesting - organized ALL the drawers and cabinets in my room so that the items were in order. 

Re-organized the cabinets which contained baby's clothes to ensure that it's within reach, you know, so that when she's finally home we won't be scrambling around looking for her stuff (and the items are all teeny weeny tiny!!! So cute!) 

You must be wondering why on earth would a heavily pregnant woman suddenly decide to complete house chores, right?

As it is, you constantly feel tired and sluggish the entire day and all you want to do is sleep!

I sometimes wonder about it too. 

Thing is, on that particular day when I decided to re-organize the clothes, etc I suddenly had this burst of energy and didn't feel exhausted at all despite going at it for a couple of hours.

It still leaves me amazed to this day ... 

Loss of appetite - people often say that pregnant women tend to add on their pounds and enjoy eating after 7 months into their pregnancy. 

Boy, were they wrong! 

My appetite dwindled down tremendously and I was back to how I felt in my first 5 months, constantly vomiting and not being able to enjoy any food! 

Quite depressing, I must say. :(

Vomit - I've gone through this phase in my first trimester and slightly into the 2nd. Can someone explain why it came back in my final trimester?

Diarrhea - OK, I kept thinking if I took any spoilt food but the matter of fact was, I started having diarrhea when I was already on leave and staying home ALL THE TIME so my meals were prepared at home. 

There's NO explanation why I'm suffering from diarrhea!

To Google I consulted and found out that you vomit and suffer from diarrhea so that the body can start clearing the system to prepare for labor and delivery.

You'll avoid the embarrassment when you go into labor and try to push baby out ... it'll be less messy that way.

THE DELIVERY

I started experiencing lower abdomen pains on 1 June around 9pm. 

I had trouble passing motion earlier in the day and honestly thought I was constipated ...

The pain kept coming and going for a couple of hours and I was already on all fours. 

Hubby and I were both watching TV that evening so he was wondering why I was on the floor.

Hubby kept asking if I was OK and helped apply ointment on my tummy and back. 

By 12 midnight, I went to the washroom and saw blood (red blood clots like the ones you see when you have your period). 

I rushed back into the room and saw that I had stained the sofa!

Hubby was shocked and panicked slightly, trying to think what to do first, help me or pack my stuff to admit me into the hospital or call the hospital first or find his keys & wallet or should he get dressed first? 

Hahahahaha ... :D

I woke my mom up and she asked me to go to the hospital, saying that I was possibly going into labor.

I was like, wait a minute, is this how labor pain is? Like period pain? Or like you're constipated? I didn't believe I was going into labor and decided to wait it out.

So here I was calm and collected whereas the people around me were starting to fuss over me.

By 1am on 2 June, the frequency of the pain kept increasing (more than 3 contraction pains within 15 minutes) and we decided to go to the hospital, as in I finally agreed to go to the hospital.

Both my parents apparently had not slept a wink ever since I woke mom up earlier.

Dad had actually gone down half an hour earlier, on stand-by to start the car.

As hubby was collecting my stuff to bring to the hospital, I went in my dad's car whilst hubby took the other.

Again, I was calm in the car since it's 1am and there's no traffic so the ride to the hospital would be smooth.

Dad, on the other hand, was SPEEDING and kept changing lanes!!! 

I told him, "Dad, chill, I'm OK."

He's like, "I need to make sure that you reach the hospital safely and not give birth in the car."

He said that with a worried look on his face ... :) I love my Dad. 

Come to think of it, I'm sure he'll panic if I suddenly decided to give birth in the car so he's probably making some mental notes on how to help me already ... hahahaha

By the time I reached the hospital, the nurses came out and Dad told them I was in labor. 

They immediately pulled out a wheelchair and asked me to sit (I told them I could walk but they said it was the hospital's policy ... uh, ok ...) whilst they took down my details.

I was pushed to the labor room in the wheelchair while Dad followed closely behind. 

The nurses told Dad that he had to wait outside the labor room, only husbands are allowed inside.

I pity my Dad who had to wait outside and it was super cold in the hallway.

I was hoisted onto the bed and had some wires from a machine stuck on my tummy.

The machine produced some form of graph and the nurse, Mrs Tan, told me that I was in labor. 

Best part, I was already 5cm dilated!

What???  5cm??? OMG !!!

5cm???

I still couldn't believe it!

I was still able to walk around the labor room.

I kept going to the bathroom ... to pee ... can't remember if I took THAT MUCH of water earlier.

I joked around with Mrs Tan who is SUCH an angel and we kept laughing and laughing.

Bear in mind that this was at 2am and I felt fully awake!

Mrs Tan personally told me that she was surprised to see me being so calm and cool, walking about and laughing.

She shared that some other patients who were 5cm dilated would have already started crying / screaming in pain ... worse, they even swear at her! Not intentional, of course.

It all started with this injection

They would all tell her that the pain was unbearable and that they would request for an epidural or even a C-Sec to be done there and then.

She would tell them to hold on since they are encouraged to deliver babies naturally whereas C-Sec is the last option.

Here are some pics of the labor room:

Curtain covering the room's entrance

Spacious bathroom

So the waiting game began ...

Mrs Tan said that they could monitor my progress outside of the labor room so they needn't be around me the entire time. 

She advised me to rest as much as I can and said if I needed anything, just push a button by the bed and she'll come in.

Hubby joined me in the labor room shortly after.

Poor hubby had not slept the entire day since he went to work at 7am the previous day. 

Luckily, there was a sofa bed and he dozed off around 3am. 

I was watching TV and occasionally checked my Facebook (yup, free WiFi). 

Mrs Tan would come in and check on me, to see how I was doing.

She helped me throughout the entire process and gave me tips on breathing, especially using gas.

I couldn't remember the time when I was in extreme pain and the duration was longer. 

I had to lie down on my side, closed my eyes and breathe. 

I was holding tight to the railing on the side of my bed.

Next thing I know, my water broke (felt like a gush of water coming out uncontrollably).

I guess I was in extreme pain as hubby woke up from his sleep and called the nurses.

He stood next to me as the nurses were preparing me for labor. 

The pain was immense, I was holding the gas to my mouth and looked at Mrs Tan's face for support. 

At that moment, it was really painful, I wanted to cry but I couldn't.

I wasn't even breathing properly and I remember holding on to her hand.

I guess she could read my facial expression.

Mrs Tan reminded me how to breathe and told me "Good girl, that's how you breathe. You're doing well." 

At one point, as it was too difficult to breathe, I held tightly to her hand and she kept saying, "It's ok, you're doing good, breathe in and breathe out."

I honestly felt like crying and thought to myself if this pain would EVER subside ... or worse, if I would even SURVIVE!

The only thing I could think of was, "I'm going to die."

My ObGyn came into the room. 

The nurses told me to hold onto the two shafts on each side of the bed.

Hubby was trying to calm me down, perhaps panicking at the same time.

I was maintaining my breathing, trying as hard as possible to even REMEMBER to breathe! 

All I could feel was the pain ...

The nurses and my ObGyn asked me to push...

First attempt, nothing (only felt pain)

Second attempt, nothing (more pain)

I was REALLY thinking of giving up ... I was about to say, "Dr, I really can't handle this, can you please cut me up????"

I think I even said, "OMG, I'm gonna die."

Third attempt, Dr Paul asked me to push three times within one contraction, I did just that. 

The nurses and Dr Paul gave me encouraging words: 

"You can do it"

"There you go, push, good girl" 

"Good job, I can see the baby's head"

I was like, "What? Head? Really??"

The pain ... The pain ... 

It was unbearable and I think I cried.

The final push ... baby came sliding out, Dr caught baby (it DID seem like that) and they placed baby on my tummy. 

I had NO energy to hold the baby as I was also feeling drowsy.

I could only afford to look at the baby.

They told me it was a girl.

She is beautiful and let out a cry ... hubby kissed me a few times ... it felt magical!!!

After Dr Paul removed the placenta (felt like some thing sliding out) he stitched me up.

The baby was measured and sent to the nursery to be cleaned.

Labour room - Post delivery

I was then moved to another bed and they pushed me into my room.

I don't remember much, just that I fell asleep once I reached my room.

I couldn't remember how long I slept as I heard voices. 

I woke up to see my family and hubby. 

Everyone was busy sharing the story of me initially not wanting to go to the hospital to Dad speeding to the hospital and was ushered into the hospital room since he couldn't be in the labor room.

Or they were busy updating FB or calling relatives with the update.

Mom was also fussing over me and organizing my stuff in the cupboard, etc.

Once the baby was cleaned, the nurses brought her into my room and the whole family stopped what they were doing and fussed over her instead :)

Where the action took place

My night view. Nice yeah

That was a month or so ago and it's still FRESH in my mind. 

I could even re-play the scenes and clearly remember the pain.

I don't think I'll ever forget the experience ... for life ... but it's definitely a rewarding one!

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